Out of control

Watching my life spiral out of control is a recurrence that I'm still not use to. Being bipolar doesn't help it only makes it about 40xs worse. I can no longer can tell my up from down or my ins from out.all I want is to be happy and it seems as if happiness is so far away.
      I often wonder what it would be like to have someone understand me.but how can I have someone understand me when I don't understand myself. I harbor pain and don't understand how to let go.I pray but have yet to find my answers. I feel bad because I know I hurt those around me because I hurt myself as well. I just wonder will I ever be sane.

Hello my babies

F4t

they always say as women we need to learn that we cant change a man and that I agree with but what I feel they don't tell you is that you can be a woman that a man is willing to change for and vice versa so I feel that a person should never be judged on just there past (unless there a pointless killer child molester or known woman beater) so don't let your friends be in your ear telling you girl he cheated on her he'll do the same to you not necessarily you don't know what was pushing him to cheat on her maybe she was crazy maybe he didn't know how to tell her is all over or maybe simply just knew that she was there for a season not a reason I truly believe you can never judge a book by its cover and you could never have a relationship with more than two people involved in it.so choose wisely let maturity make decisions for you and not lust

52years

In 52 years we've have fun times for I was your love and you were mine.
we lived we laughed we loved and we did it together God was our bond that held us together.
We raised two sons some grandkids to who no one knew how to love quite like you.
you were worth your weight in gold, even diamonds and I was proud cause you was my husband .

In 52 years we've loved and we lost.But I stood by your side at all cost. For 52 years I was your heart and you were mine.and I know my heart will heal just in due time.we did our God proud til death did us part but I loved you so long your still in my heart.I have to be strong now for our family but I know I'm not alone cause you still have me. You've always had my back this much I know but it still pains my heart you had to go. For 52 years we were together and I'll love 52 more cause I'll love you forever.

10-18-13

Can't sleep.today's the day I've been dreading my whole life. I have to bury part of my heart. My dad/grandfather/ my everything.I feel sick lost confused hurt and selfish all at the same time. Cause I know he's at peace but I just love him so much I need him here. We was always there for each other now your gone.daddy I can't handle this you were always my strength now I'm buckling under pressure. And dad it hurts even more I can't heal moms broken heart.everyone keep saying be strong for her but how can I when I can't even be strong for myself. Dad I just miss you and I love you soo much

Miss you

We miss so much our hearts are in pain
For our family's loss is heavens gain.
not one dry eye in the room
not one heart that's not heavy
I'd trade anything in this world if God would let me.
For I know that's not possible our lord plays for keeps
but that doesn't change the fact I wish you was here with me.

I know your in a better place and for that I rejoice.
But I'd give all I have just to hear your voice.
To want you near is selfish I know but it hurt us so bad you had to go.
I know God has you now cause his angels carried you home
in my mind and my heart please know you'll always stay
And I'll be your "poor poor baby " back in your arms one day.

My God

Father God I call on you and I ask that you bless my grandfather give him the strength to over come these health obstacles he's facing. I ask that you touch him in his hospital bed and heal him Lord , just the thought alone of not having him is enough to drive me crazy. As you know behind you lord the two most important people to me are my grand parents and without them I'd be a empty shell lord.

I ask you bless my grandmother at 74 years old she still works and still does everything she can for those around her. Please bless her and give her strength to her lupus fill body to keep moving fight her sickness and help her to be strong for her husband for me for our family. I know I'm asking a lot lord but I know you sit high and look low. And you turn down up in a blink of an eye.

Father I ask that you bless me with strength and wisdom to get through this as well as day to day life. Bless my mind body soul and spirit to be a better me as I get closer to you.I also want to thank you for all you done to me and for me I am thankful for the words of your good book that fills my heart. I'm thankful you are such a merciful father and love your sinners and staints alike.
In your name I pray amen

Thick n fit week 2

OK we're in week two with our cutie on the go her is her updates " As far as progress I managed to accomplish two goals this week! I exercised/cardio TWICE in one day AND I got two outdoor brisk walk/runs in. My biggest hurdle this week was continuing to say no to Pepsi. As a major caffeine addict (to the point of migraine headache withdrawal when I don't have it) I really had to focus. Next weeks goals include more water intake. I HATE water and have only been drinking one bottle after working out. Gonna try and make it two bottles every day. s AnD stick to low-cal iced tea. It's been three weeks of no Pepsi so far. "

Sometimes the smallest things are your biggest steps so let's all start somewhere.we're very proud Phoenix is choosing to take over her life and taking us with her.we know she'll keeping doing good with our love and support.

Our cutie on the go is working hard. Here are a few tips for your day to day *breakfast important include fruit.
*drink plenty of water
*and do more walking take the stairs instead of and elevator.

Smh

I believe the saying ..it's really true that people want to see you do good but hate to see you doing better than them , and it's kind of messed up cause I'm the type of person that feels like everybody can do better . Everybody can grow from what they're going through. I feel like everybody can work hard so you they can get what they want.

I feel like people look at me and are so quick to judge but they don't know my struggles ,and they don't know what the hell I go through nor what I've been through to get here .Nobody's holding my hand im paying my bills. I'm a woman who does it on her own I'm the woman paying student loans, I'm a woman paying credit card bills ,lights, gas, cable ,Internet  ,rent ,buying groceries I do that .I buy that paper i use to wipe my ass. I don't ask nobody for shit .

People so quick to say I'm  Bougie. It really hurts my nerves because I'm not Bougie I'm just a girl who was raised to like nice things and I feel like everybody should want to do good so am I wrong? Cause I work two jobs almost 80 hours a week to do better and you mad bro ? For what I'm just trying to get it like the next chick but I'm sorry I'm not like the basic bitches I'm a real woman and if you got a problem with that you can bend your bum ass over a kiss my fat caramel coated ass

The girl behind the pen

Fast words

ALWAYS TREAT TODAY AS ITS YOUR LAST YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE LORD HAS IN STORE FOR YOU.SPEND LESS TIME BEING NEGATIVE AND MORE TIME BEING POSTIVE BECAUSE BLESSINGS ARE ALWAYS JUST A PRAYER AWAY.

Weave game

So I was on my way to work I was going a little above the speed limit because I was  almost late for work I'm clocking in and this guy comes up like
"how you doing today beautiful"
"I'm good "
I told him then he says
"I really like your weave game "
Im like
"thanks but this is actually a wig "
He starts laughing and say
"No baby girl I ment your driving the way you was weaving through those cars on the freeway"
"I smile and said thank you"
"He said your welcome beautiful and your wigs nice to"

And that's how to start a work day

When is it enough

I always wonder when was it enough always wondered do people see me the way I see me ? can you look at me and tell my story ?
Do you know what it is I'm going through? Me as a teenager going through a relationship where I didn't know my up from my down I always wondered when was enough really enough was when I had to learn how to use makeup to cover a black eyes

Was it when I had to lie people about what was going on was it when I got pistol whipped when the dope boys ran up in the crib I don't know when was enough really enough? Maybe it the random females calling stopping by or stopping us on the streets.

Maybe it was the bald spot in the middle of my head where you dragged me by my hair and left with it in your hands.... IDFK ....Maybe it was you shooting at the car I was in cause it was a dude driving smh enough is becoming enough maybe it was you putting a gun to my head saying I could never leave but finally the swelling in my eye has gone down and I can see enough is enough

Thick n fit

My friend is on her way to becoming a better her. We want to share her story with our other bbw friends to know your not alone we all must start somewhere...  starting weight was 237lbs when started on 9/08. current weight is 231. plan includes not exceeding 1430 calories a day.Phoenix is starting on a journey and we will update weekly and encourage her to keep going and watch her work. She's our cutie on the move ladies!

My night 9-18-13

working 3rd shift has never been hard for me until this very night when I come in and they tell me  we have A unwanted  guest and I'm very annoyed about it because everyone knows I'm scared of everything the have more than two legs and that is smaller than a piece of paper so therefore when I'm at work I don't think Mickey Mouse should be here to if he not getting paid what is here for. So tonight people just going to be mad I'm leaving all the lights on and I'm making all the noise so Mickey can stay the hell away from me

Real men

I want to give a special shout out to those men out there those real man who's taking care of their family without being asked to those real man who the court system I gotta tell them how much they kids need. those real man that even with or without a job they contribute they there no matter what making sure they kids straight making sure their woman straight making sure that nobody goes against the grain and disrespect the fam those men who treat their women like Queens while being a true king. Shout out to those men going through baby mama drama even though they good dude and their baby mamas is mad bitter females. And shout out to those men who not out here "caking" little girls but being a true provider but they're real women even though she came to the table with her own coins. So many women look for reasons to bash yall I just want you to know that us  real woman appreciate y'all

Real women love

I just really want to give a shout out for those woman out there who hold they self down who's not waiting on a coin from no dude who don't get government Assistance who are not on section 8 paying full rent. Those ladies not waiting on child support those ladies who don't depend on nobody but themselves not they mama not the daddy not the baby daddy and nor dude they sleeping with. Those ladies who don't have to go after a man with a coin cause she got her own those ladies who match what her man has to offer those women who get called stuck up because we refuse to settle for less . shout out to those ladies and the man who love them and the real women who Raised them

Random 9-5-13

Some Things I'm a slouch on and some things I'm very vain. My shower three rags face, body,Private, three soaps per shower bath and body works sauve and summers eve  and my Closet has to be in order by color. And my work clothes for both jobs have to be in separate closets.I have to sleep on three firm pillows why idk

8am

Let me explain what the hell you not gonna do at 8 o'clock in the damn morning you not going think you gone break check my ass and when I pull up on you in a gas station you scared to get out the car I will smack the f*** out of somebody at 8 o'clock in the morning sleepy As I am trying to break check when yo ass wrong. But when I'm sitting on the hood your car you and your passenger don't wanna get out.let that be a lesson learned if you don't know a persons level of crazy sit yo ass down and SHUT YO ASS UP

Selfish

Caring about myself is so selfish
Caring about my heart and not caring about yours is selfish of me .
caring more about seeing my smile and not yours is selfish

I'm sorry
putting my feelings first and keeping my guard up is selfish
Loving myself is selfish
you wanting my all is selfish of you
you not caring about my wants and my needs is selfish you
sucking me dry until I have nothing left is selfish
Me living for me and to protect myself keeping a smile on my face is selfish and truth be told I enjoy being selfish

11-11-2011

What hurts the most

What hurts the most is being misunderstood to feel so alone that even your heartbeat is lonely your soul is shallow an all noise is dull. What hurts the most is your love is divided between the past and the present, what hurts the most is you can feel the invisible scars that others can't see.

What hurts the most is lying awake at night battling tear that are determined to hit the pillow what hurts the most is the feeling of loneliness when your next to the one you love. What hurts the most is that our love is becoming a thing of the past.

What hurts the most that I'll never be more then just a hurt little girl who could never be number one in your eyes that's what hurts the most.

11-11-2011

Choose wisely

I think its so funny how men always talking about they want a bad b**** but at the end of the day when that bad b**** can't cook can't clean don't know nothing about raising children don't know nothing about getting money outside of using her vagina and then when its too late you gone be mad you were so busy with that bad b**** that you didn't realize what you really needed was a good woman .......choose wisely

Show off

I was told that I'm a show off when I feel like I'm just blessed and don't mind Expressing my thankfulness and showing my blessings to others I don't feel like taking pictures is bad and showing my stuff is wrong is that a show off???? but at the same time only broke bitches get mad. So is it my fault I hustle the harder than others is it really my fault that I rather take care me take care of home take care my kids instead of turn up turn up turn up every weekend or doing dumb s*** I'm 23 years and I feel I have a good head on my shoulder I do need to work on my attitude for a little bit. But I really do have a heart I pay my ties I donate  to the United Way. I give to the homeless and I really believe in helping people so why because I'm blessed and highly favored I'm a bad person cuz I do the grown woman thing and other people reMain in the same place they was last year that's not me I believe in growth prayer and whatvever I have I'm happy to have it.

John

1 John 4:10-11 () 10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. #Bible

:)

I Absolutely adore people with positive energy that are doing amazing things no matter how big or small I just love seeing people getting their creative juices flowing it truly makes me happy and want to strive to do better

To be...

To be in love is to understand each other to be there for one another no matter what through the ups and downs ins and outs happy times and bad. To be in love  is too breathe for one another to hold each other to bleed for each other to be in love is hugs and kisses. When I'm not around I'm missing each other to be in love is to have a bond a connect River deep and mountain high a strong bond they can never come untied to be in love is something that can last forever or something that you wish you can get back to be in love is to love yourself so that you can learn to love someone else

Long deep and wide

Long deep and wide it touches my soul and dances with my spine send chills so cold as my body you hold. The deeper you go the more connected I feel the more I moan of pleasure and passion so real. Long deep and  wide I feel you inside as I stroke your pride as I ride
Hmmmmmm
    Our bodies are one connected intertwined standing still in time our bodies make a song our moans passionately sing along.
Long deep and wide I feel you inside chills so cold as a song continues to grow longer and never fades.I love it.

Tired

I'm tired of hearin I'm sorry so often sick of all the lies the hurt and betrayal I'm tired of hurting inside and out the everlasting pain is too much to bare. My heart is gone numb in your too cold to care I'm tired of being alone even when you're here I'm tired of the loneliness of the shadows I'm tired of the touches I cannot feel I'm tired of the feeling that are not real I'm tired of the loneliness that I feel I'm tired of the tears that stain my face I'm tired of two hearts not in the same place I'm tired......

Rain

I cry in the rain to hide my tears I keep in my pain  to hide my fears I cry in the rain on the inside and out rain

rain keeps me going like I'm running through a dark forest not knowing where I'm going not knowing my past or where I am not knowing how long I can keep up my life is full of rain and I feel so stuck
rain ......
rain.........
rain........

I feel helpless empty and sad... a void in  my heart and is bleeding bad no air in my lungs no beat to my heart no smile to my face no end to My start I'm hopeless without the rain

Ijs 1

I hate a cheap Bitch with a rich Bitch attitude. Get your money up before you put your nose in the air. Because that's shit you got from Walmart that Miley Cyrus outfit not fooling nobody learn to humble yourself

Another black teen shot 13

Seems the new thing in America is to kill young black teens I guess the restrooms should say "whites only" or "coloreds only" because our lives still seem to not have value to many. Kill a black teen you get off kill a animal PETA and everyone else's feathers are ruffled.its sad the slap in the face we get. I wonder will Dr. King's dream ever come true the day we're not seen as black or white but as humans.

Lets do better im venting 6-14-2013

Not guilty and a lot of hard feelings behind that. I'm just mad at the fact that people can post pictures with their hoods up can change your profile pictures and can say what they feel should go on but no one is working as a unit or as an individual to actually change what's going on .no one says lets start a petition to get involved let's change the stand your ground law let's actually do something that will benefit not just black people but people in Florida in the south as a whole. No one is saying lets educate our sons so they can actually do something to change lives no one is actually looking at the bigger picture everyone just wants to be mad about what happened my heart goes out to the family cause I'm helping to raise a young black man but at the same time I feel like we all have to take responsibility for what's going on we all have to be accountable. I feel like we all can take to. Twitter and Facebook but unless you are actually doing something that can get these laws change unless you were actually putting what's going on in to their faces and not just because of Trayvon let's do it for Emmett Till let's do it for anyone who has come before us and has not been given justice what's the point. As black people we show them we can talk now its time to show them we can walk

Grow

I'm learning to not look at anything as time wasted but as wisdom n experience.but don't look for negative things or that's what you'll expect out of life look for God and find your blessings

Sex tip 1

1. Halls cough drop relax throat muscles to help deep throat.
2.hum with his scrotum sack in your mouth while he Cums he'll love it.
3. Don't wash with summers Eve before sex (men/women don't like the taste) use fruit scents or bath and body works
4.make sure if your a swollower your man has some sweets/fruit in his diet and stays away from heavy salts so his semen has a sweet taste.

Thoughts

I think parents are spoiling kids a little to much.I feel people in my age group are becoming more and more comfortable living below normal standards. Feeling its ok to live off parents and not stand on there own two feet.if you live with your parents and don't pay real bills (your cell doesn't count) or help on a constant basis sorry your not grown.if you don't have a steady job or a pot to piss in and a window to through it out your not grown your just a old ass kid.and no I'm not blowing down I'm just saying our standard of living should be higher.if you 18+ sharing a room and its not a dorm what are you doing?think of it like this if your parents died today where would you be? What would you have? I think its time for everyone to grow up and realize life is more than Facebook and instagram.lets learn to be real adults with something to offer.

Square's in your circle

I think its funny how sometimes the people you call family and friends are the ones praying for your downfall.they see what you have and what you work hard for and instead of going out and working for there own they'd rather hate on you for your blessings. I know some people around me are not truly happy I'm really a independent woman house car two jobs and keep myself together. I think its sad that instead of working on themselves and lets all get on a better level there on the outside praying not for blessing but for my down fall.and myself as a woman I wanna see people do better I think its sad people rather hate than do better.

News flash

Im to old to fight over a man thats not my little brother or my child.if I have to check his fb his phone or anything else I dont need him thats like a job n only paparazzi get paid to chase niggas.I only chase men on green paper a pointer for a few dummies in my newsfeed

Summer f▼《ked my sex life

So my Windows on the second story of my house are small so a a/c wont fit and a portable one is like 300 bux so I have a/c downstairs and thats where we go to get cool.But just so happen I wanna have sex on this 96º day. And my curtains are sheer so we go upstairs its hot but we gone get it. So we turn on all three fans that are blowing hot air! And I get on the bed and this nigga standing over me putting on deodorant!  So you know its real. I swear I think I had 5 heat strokes. And broke out in a sweat I never sweat.... so im like if I cant have sex n a/c ill see yo ass in September cause im not I repeat I am not dying on top on a penis so in short the summer f▼《ked my sex life

Maybe its me

Maybe its me maybe im not grown yet but I so totally cant get with a person eating ass.I had a guy do it to me once and I felt so violated.im like I love getting head but certain things are not ment to be licked. Then who in God's name do you think about to kiss your shity mouth??? Not I said the cat. That I just cant do yuck yuck yuck n then you kiss your children YIKES I dont want yo ass face kissing me or my chid so ummm yea I cant date a man that eats ass unless he's trey songz or a billionaire. But like I said maybe its me

The day I forgot my wig

Well everyone knows ive been wearing wigs lately (Im not bald).and ive been having fun changing my looks keeping it fresh but sometimes my hair needs to breath (its braided underneath).Funny thing when it needs to breath I be at work (where I spend most of my time) so I took my wig off.so happy to get off work after 18 hours I got my keys n ran out the door. I get in my truck 
And turned the volume on max (who cares its 7am) and I singing im jamming then I look in the mirror to check my gloss and BAM no wig.I hit a u turn and did 75 all the way back to work.I jump out car running n all to go in and get pam (my wig). I come outside the police behind me like do you know your car could have been gone ? I said im insured he said what was so important you leave keys in your car I said my wig he said is hair that important I said yes its hard to find this curl I had to get it off amazon ! Its easy to find a ford edge. He look at me laughing and said woman are crazy.im not laughing  my wig is serious. But pam Is safe so im happy just know I almost had a heart attack the day I almost forgot my wig.

Every smile isn't friendly

I have people who smile in my face on the daily but really wish for my downfall. Say they're friendly when we're in the same room but truly just waiting to put a knife in my back. Wolf in sheep's clothing just waiting for a chance to take a bite. Funny thing is im mean because I display my feeling up front but id rather you know I dont like you then to back bite thats what kills me the most.

Bobbie

Dear God

           We come to you as a family because we know you know best but we ask that you keep us strong in this time of need.we're gonna miss Bobbie and all of her ways from her big hats on Sunday to her voice in the stands we'll miss her voice and miss her as a friend.we ask you put your arms around her and welcome her home.sit her next to grandma on that beautiful white thrown. Tell her dont worry we're gonna be ok when ever we feel weak we're gonna come together and pray. We know she's in good hands and we rejoice for that wish we could see grandma do her two step cause she got her baby back.give her all she wants and more cause she left this place and fought her last war. Give her a real pretty dress with a hat to match a pretty necklace with matching earrings. She loves pretty rings so give her a handful she deserves it. We cant bring Bobbie back as much as we love her.just help our hearts grow so we can love each other

R.I.P auntie Bobbie

Dealth in the family

Theres a dealth in the family
It hit us real hard
All our hearts are heavy
All our hearts are scared

Theres a dealth in the family
And we miss you real bad
Your not here with us and we're all left sad.

There was a dealth in the family
And we miss you so much
From friends to family we all miss your touch.

There was a dealth in the family
All bodies and minds are clear it will be hard now that your not here

Food for thought 1

3:08 6/9

Your makeup should be a reflection of you.you can do a lot by not doing to much

Does it really matter

People often ask what is my sexuality..... Am I straight or bi? Do I really have sex with girls or do I just speak freely and admire there beauty? Am I really as sexual as the things I speak.

Does it really matter? As long as I'm a good person with a good heart. Does who I have sex with defy me ? Does how I carry my self in my bedroom really bother your heart that much?

No matter who I choose to entertain I'm still the same person inside and out so I asked I if you love me for me
Does it really matter?

7:51

At 7:51 I was sitting here and I was thinking how much time we waste on people that don't matter . we fuss we fight Facebook instagram and talk crap for what?? We don't feel any better and that person remains the same.may be I'm growing up and becoming wise because now I see what the elders where always talking about.
     Only thing you can change is yourself. If more people spent time changing themselves life would be so much easier. If you took more time being thankful for what we have we'd be a lot happier.so if you don't get anything from my blog please take everyone has a place in life don't live for others live for yours. kstarr

Instagram

Only place in this world a person gets upset if you capture the real them.where a person cares more about the angles of a shot than life itself.where people can post pictures of places theyve never been and things they don't truly have.where any girl with a 8 megapixel camera or higher is a model.
        Welcome to instagram where pictures are filtered to perfection where people block and report you yet follow you from somebody else page.where people follow you to be nosy.where everybody turn up in pictures yet broke in person welcome to instagram

Sometimes

 Sometimes i wonder y is it i try so hard just to be unhappy. i try so hard to be a good person and be good to others but there's no one to be good to me. I dont want your money or anything thing that comes with that i jus want your heart. I just want to be love and treated like woman that makes your eyes sparkle i just want to be your "diamond" and know that you love me forever and always. I jus want you to take your time and not throw me away or write me off as everyone else did.You went from the one i cry to, to the one i cry about.it doesnt take much to love me. I can  teach you how to love but only if your willing to learn. And i willing to grow if your willing to take the time with me. rome wasnt built in a day and i am not perfect but i am in love with you and wish you could understand my heart. and if you understood my heart you would understand your self because you are my heart........i just wish you knew how much i wanted you sometimes.

A time to vent

how can say you will never let anyone hurt me yet you hurt me the most? you love me but you tell me more lies than truths.if you wanna be with another woman say that dont feed me its a chance and when you change imma let you come back.nigga if you done say that no longer need to keep a leash on my heart.and its funny you apologize for yyour wrong doing and tell me im a trooper im a real woman i just need to grow but really it looks like you jus want to do you until i have something then when im good well be back??????????????but you cant do the one thing i asked and you still kick it with the girl be a man say you in love with her give my heart some real closure.and never will you understand how much i loved you how much i still love you and will die loving you

What should i feel

I guess i really shouldn'rt feel some kinda way but i do. My mind cant help but wonder if i played myself. I liked this guy i was really feelin him he's not my man and i was cool with that but we chilled and i had sex with him yea that was something that was not like me but i wanted to make him happy.He had been keepin me smilin so i just wanted to give him something back.But now i kinda feel as if i have egg on my face cuz it dont feel the same. And on the other hand he has a lot going on and i feel very spoilded and kinda selfish to wanna take up some of his time, but i am only human and cant help myself. i never really told him i was feelin him so i guess i should just get over it. and the funny thing is im willing to do it all over again with a smile cuz he brought brief happiness hummmm to be held,kissed and umm humm lol but my mind was just wondering WHAT SHOULD I FEEL.....................

Ice

What is it you do when your heart has been broken to the point of no return? When you look at yourself but the person looking back is so far from the real you so far from who you wanna be? When your heart is no longer filled with love but hate not for one person but for the world.this place is dark and kinda scary. To think i'm losing out on alot because of the fear of history repeating it self. And knowing i could be such a loving woman but have let people snatch that part of me away.shit is silly cuz no matter how much shit i take from a person im so forgiving i always welcome them back with open welcoming arms, just to be hurt and let down again.I wonder why???? I know i am tired tho so now i live for me i'm working to get my heart back to room temperture. Working on finding myself and then maybe one day love again.I miss the silly fun part of being in love i won't lie but everything else not so much.i wanna be stress free.but maybe one day i'll have someone to make me smile again.

Open

I wonder y is it i can dogg a person but not share my true feelings? it's all crazy to me i'm bipolar and that's no secret but none of the different people inside of me can tell this person how i feel about them and it's hard.rejection is something i can't take and my heart can't stand so i keep my feelings inside.But if only you knew. I smile just thinking about you,your ringtone is my favorite song and you voice kinda makes my heart skip a beat. i'm not in love trust but i can say i wanna like you real hard.The best part of my day is talking to you and the worst is when you don't call.everything about you makes me wanna dance with you in my dreams and when i wake up being away from you is my nightmare. so i guess all i can really say is i feel silly telling you that i like you and hope one day it will be more and turn into something great

I have

I have hate in my heart
and lust in my eyes
i love you so much
i wish you would die
i hate you for every time that i cried
and everytime you told lies.

i have death in my eyes
and ice in my soul
one kiss from me
and your blood will run cold

loving you is the last thing on my mind
you've broken my heart
for the last time

i have hate in my heart
and death in my soul
ice in my vains
my actions are bold

I have pain all over
when im drunk or sober
i wont be happy
til this is all over

i have pain in my chest
where my heart use to be
who would ever thave thought
you'd do this to me

my heart has been broken
for the last time
and everything is black
Then I flat line /\/\/\_____________

You

ur the air i breath our hearts are one and i love every mintue of it. forever and always i will spend the rest of my life pleasing showing you that you are my king i love you with every drop of me. i love you baby xoxo SUGEE

Crash and burn

AT ONE POINT I WAS THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD NOW ALL I SEE OUT OF MY EYES IN IN MY PATH IS ME CRASHING AND BURNING NOTHINGS RIGHT ANYMORE AND ONCE AGAIN IN LIFE I FEEL LEFT ALONE TO FIN FOR MYSELF WITH NO ONES HELP OR NO ONE WHO CARES.ITS HARD WHEN YOUR ONE STEP AWAY FROM HAPPINESS AND HAPPINESS CLOSES THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE AND IT SEEMS THE ONLY THING WELCOMING YOU IS DEALTH. WHATS LEFT TO LIVE FOR? WHATS THE POINT IN TAKING UP SPACE AND BREATHING AIR THAT CANT FILL THE EMPTINESS IN YOUR HEART OR PUT THE FIRE OUT IN YOUR SOUL?
        WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN YOU FEEL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSE TO AND SHOULD LOVE YOU PUSH YOU AWAY AND LEAVE YOU FOR DEAD? WHY NOT JUST MAKE THE WORLD HAPPY AND DIE. IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY.SLEEP IS THE COUSIN TO DEALTH I WISH I COULD JUST SLEEP AND NEVER FEEL THE PAIN MAYBE MY HEART WOULDNT BE SO HEAVY.BUT WHAT MORE CAN I SAY BESIDES MY LAST GOODBYES AND SAY IM ONE STEP AWAYS FROM GOING OVER THE EDGE AND NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW FAR ARE YOU WILLING TO PUSH ME?BUT IF ONLY YOU KNEW IM ALREADY DEAD JUST WAITING FOR MY BODY T CATCH UP WITH MY SOUL.YOUD KNOW YOU ALREADY KILLED ME MIND SOUL AND SPIRT

Never again

MY GRANDMA USE TO SAY DON'T PUT ALL YO EGGS IN ONE BASKET AND THAT STATEMENT IS SO TRUE .NEVER WILL I PUT MY ALL INTO ONE PERSON CUZ ALL PEOPLE DO IS LET YU DOWN I SWEAR PEOPLE IN CLEVELAND DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LOYAL NO MORE THEN THEY WONDER WHY YOU BE SPAZZIN OUT ALL THE TIME WELL HERE A HINT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE I AINT BEIN LOYAL TO NO ONE BUT ME IM DONE WITH BS AND WACK ASS PEOPLE AND IF YU THINK IM TALKING ABOUT YO WACK ASS I AM IM ON AUTO PILOT AND IM LOYAL TO ME

New world order

NEW WORLD ORDER,

WELL HELLO I'M KELLY STARR NICE TO MEET YU/ SEE YOU again this IS ME CLEARING A FEW THINGS UP.I HAVE A 5'6" FRAME WITH A 8' FOOT ATTITUDE SOME SAY THATS BAD OTHER JUST SAY IM A BAD BITCH.I'VE BEEN HATED MOST  OF MY LIFE SO MY FRIEND LIST IS SLIM AND BECOMING SLIMMER BY THE DAY.AND TODAY THE LORD PLACED A PERFECT PICTURE IN MY HEAD AND I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE IT AND HOPEFULLY UNDERSTAND IT.IM 19 YEARS OLD BUT DONT REALLY ACT IT.I HAVE MY GOOFY TIMES HEY THERES A TIME 4 EVERYTHING.
    SO NUMBER 1 I NO LONGER HAVE TIME 4 BS.I FEEL IF YU KEEP LETTING BS IN YUR LIFE YU WILL GET NO WHERE YU WILL LIVE IN A CIRCLE AND MISS ALL YUR BLESSINGS OUTSIDE THE BOX.HE SAY SHE SAID NO MORE,I DONT THINK SHE LIKE ME NO MORE CHANCES ARE IF I DIDNT TELL YU I LOVED YU TODAY OR CALLED TO SEE IF YUR ALIVE WELL THEN I REALLY DONT CARE ABOUT YU THATS JUST REAL.ITS TO MANY FAKE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD I DONT WANNA BLEND
 IN.
 ( 2) I HAD A "BESTFRIEND" BUT RIGHT NOW I SAY I AM MY OWN BESTFRIEND IT JUS FELT LIKE A ONE SIDED FRIENDSHIP AND I FEEL I CAN ONLy LET A PERSON HURT MY FELLINGS SO MANY TIMES BEFORE I START NOT CARING. ALL I CAN SAY IS SHE ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART AND MY PAST BUT WHO'S TO SAY MY LIFE.IF SHE CANT BE THE FRIEND I NEED THEN I DONT NEED HER
   (3)I HAVE NO PROBLEM MEETING NEW PEOPLE AND MAKING NEW FRIENDS BUT YU GOTTA COME REAL AND BE REAL.AND UNDERSTAND I ONLY WANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO HANDLE THERE BUSISNESS NOT WHO SAY THEY POLISHED AND SAWGGED UP AND HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW.SORRY BUT I FEEL IF YOU HAVE A TITLE I NEED TO SEE PROOF.I ONLY WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING SOMEWHERE AND DOING SOMETHING NOT COLLECTING WELFARE NOT WORKING ONLY POLISHED ON THE FIRST BITCHES OR NIGGAS THATS NOT MY LIFE AND DONT WANT IT PART OF IT.
(4)DO I HAVE ROOM 2 TALK WELL I KEEP A JOB MAKING MY OWN MONEY  I DON'T LIVE WITH MY MAMA OR ANYONE OF THAT NATURE.DO I HAVE PROOF IM POLISHED WELL YES CHANEL ,PRADA,AND COUCH SAY IM DOING MY JOB SO. DO I HATE ON PEOPLE NOT AS BLESSED AS ME NOPE  I TRY NOT TO HATE ITS WASTED ENERGY.DO I ADDRESS PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT AS WELL OFF AS ME ONLY IF THEY COME AT ME IN A WAY I FEEL THEY HAVE NO RIGHT I WILL SHUT A B***H DOWN.
 (5)THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE GREAT MY BETTER HALF MY FAMILY AND MY GODBABIES I LOVE TO DEALTH.THEY ARE ALL NEEDED AND THE REASON BEHIND ME BEING AND DOING BETTER I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE SURE THEY WANT 4 NOTHING SO I AM GOING TO BE THE WOMAN I NEED TO BE FOR MYSELF AND THEM.

AND LAST I FEEL ITS ONLY RIGHT TO BE REAL SO THAT IS WHAT IM DOING AND PRAY OTHERS DO THE SAME.I WILL HOWEVER PRAY FOR EVERYONE AND WISH EVERYONE THE BEST STAY BLESSED  XOXO KELLY STARR

2 1/2 years

I STUCK WITH YOU FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS BUT THAT WAS NOTHING TO YOU. ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN THROGH NIGGAS MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS AINT EVER SEEN.BUT THATS NIETHER HERE NOR THERE. I KNOW AND EVERYONE ELSE INCLUDIN YOU KNOWS YOU'VE NEVER HAD A WOMAN AS TRUE AS ME BUT TO ME IT'S ALL GOOD I SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS AND I SEE THAT I DONT TRUELY HAVE YOUR HEART. YOU TOOK CARE OF ME YOU GAVE ME ALL THE THINGS I WANTED THAT MONEY COULD BUY AND FOR THAT IM GREATFUL. BUT YOU COULD NEVER OR YOU JUST NEVER WANTED TO GIVE ME WHAT I REALLY WANTED YOUR HEART AND YOUR RESPECT. YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT ME QUESTIONING YOU IS PUSHING YOU AWAY,BUT DID YOU EVER THINK IF YOU WOULD HAVE KEPT IT REAL THERE WOULD NEVER BE ANY QUESTIONS TO ASK. AND ITS NEVER JUST ME. YOU HATE BEING WRONG BUT YOU JUST WONT DO RIGHT. I CHANGE FOR YOU AND I SEE YOU STAY THE SAME FOR YOU. I DONT LIKE THE DRAMA AND I HATE TO FIGHT SOMEONE I LOVE BUT I COULDN'T SIT AND PLAY DUMB.SO LIKE YOU SAID CLEAN THE TRASH OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND DO WHAT YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO.THEN WHEN THE TIME COMES GOD IS GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ALL ALONG.SHE A DOG AND WHEN YOU NEED YO SO CALLED FRIEND SHE GONE BE GONE SORRY TO SAY.JUST REMEMBER I LOVED YOU AND WILL ALWAYS WISH YOU THE BEST IN LIFE AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY DOIN YOU

My bad side

GET SOME CLASS ABOUT YOUR SELF YOU A WALFARE RAT LIVING OFF THE SYSTEM. HOE I DONT GO TO WORK TO PAY TAXES TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR TWO KIDS YOU 19 BE A WOMAN AND GET SOME POLISH ABOUT YOURSELF IF NOT FOR YOU THAN DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN.GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FIND YOUR OWN MAN DICK TO BE ON AND GET OFF MINE. I TRIED TO PLAY NICE BUT EVERYONE THAT KNOWS ME KNOWS I CAN ONLY TRY SO LONG AND SO HARD. BUT HOE YOU ABOUT TO MAKE ME TAKE THE CHANEL'S OFF AND BEAT THAT ASS.IM A SHOW YO YOUNG DUMB AINT WORTH DRIED UP CUM ASS SOME RESPECT. CALL VICKIE IF YOU LIKE AND THAT BITCH FEELing AND FACE HURT TO IF YOU WANT PRESS CHARGES BITCH I DONT CARE JUST KNOW IM GONE GET THAT ASS AND BITCH A LOT SOONER THAN YOU THINK

CLASSY AS ALWAYS,
STARR

Ash

i’m not gone say to much just enough to say how i feel. you’ll always be in my heart cuz we’ve been there and back together since 2005 we’ve had ups downs and then some but i’m not gone keep going back and forth with you. you want me then you don’t know i’m done with that sweetie i’m sorry but i am That’s a game i’m not willin to play. that i wanna get mad about other people in your life no ash That’s not were it’s act we’re both grown women and should be done with the child hood games so you get yo head together then let me know are we down? or are we just old friends?

Listen

You knew what it was when you met me yet and still you let me you let us build you let the feelings for you become clear then you just left not physical but mental you left and where am i know. . . missin you

Endless pain

it’s hard tryin to explain to people how you feel about them when your words fall unto death ears. it’s hard to say your hurting when my voice is just below a whisper. i’m going insane from the thought i’ve been hurt by women and men the hurt always feels the same it strikes my heart and the pain is all the same i’m running in a world with no place to go i’m a mess i’m distressed and i’m lost in the dark and don’t have a light or the sight to see myself though. i’m so lost. i try to scream for help but no one hears my cries i guess i just must continue to deal with this endless pain

No air

no air means i can’t breath. my lungs are drained and my heart is in pain. time stands still and my soul you heal. the sound of your voice put air in my lungs. and you warm my soul i’ve never met a person like you before so i’m sorry if i don’t know how to react to your touch. or if i don’t know how to act when you bless me with your grace. but the way you do my body makes me feel as if i’m in another world as if i’m another girl. oh. my body only moans and calls for your touch i don’t know what makes my soul want your touch this much. but i do know that no one will ever compare to you forever my BOO

Tired

going round and round is no longer me we’ve been there and done that and you’ve left my heart to bleed. i need to move on i need to do me. you’ve hurt me more than you know and it’s time for my heart to go baby we need to give it up but just know i’ll always love you and you’ll always have a part me. my heart

Idk

man i’m tellin you idk what it is. is it your smile or your voice that drives me wild. just hearing your name makes my body hot and the only way to get cool is for you to touch that spot. i can’t say i love you but it’s more than strong like. and what will make me happy is me and you tonight touch my body it’s your to hold cuz when others try to touch me my soul goes cold its you i need and my body feels like it needs you. only your touch will do and idk why for

Yea boo you played me

Yea boo u played me, that shit hurt like hell i gave u my all and u choose another bitch over me. i really dont understand y but u did. And yet and still you think you can have me when u want me........no im really done this time no comin back. i'll never throw dirt on yo name  cuz i loved u to much but i'll never think of u as a man again cuz u played me to tough.Now  i can say i'm happy cuz i got the last laugh cuz i herd that bitch burned u real badd. she wasnt clean as me and it burns when u pee.u mad i'm happy u sad i'm glad now u kno kandi the best bitch U ever had.  I gave u two years and u aint worth two tears.I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU those words were true but i'm to badd of a bitch to be cryin over you. i hope your life turns around just sorry to say i wont be around.........you hatin on me cuz i got a new man now u walk with a frown i walk with a smile we on our grown up and  you act like a child. kandi so happy so i get the last laugh now

I hate B!+¢π€$

I HATE BITCHES
i hate bitches
 fake bitches
outa place bitches
love 2 smile in yo face bitches
wish they could take yo place bitches
cant fight spray u wit mase bitches
scared 2 catch a case bitches
for her birthday want cake type bitches
wanna go snitch cant wait type bitches
cant get her money up type bitches
and get layed down type bitches
but most of all
I HATE HATIN ASS BITCHES

What makes love

WHAT MAKES LOVE
What makes love is it the things you do?
or the people you screw?
i was once told it takes two
when it comes to love what would you do?
would you do things for them you`ve done for no one else?
or would you past them up because of yourself?
would you put on a front in front of someone else?
what makes love is it great communication?
or is it late night relations?
what makes love?
or is it who makes love?
Damn i`m lost how much does love cost?
does fukkin make you love someone?
or does fukkin make you lose someone else?
well when you find out tell me
WHAT MAKES LOVE?

One beautiful thing

They say beauty is only skin deep
but i found someone so beautiful they
made me drop to there feet
and with them my life feels complete
your so beautiful that you only want me to love you today
but that kind of love i`I'll have to turn away
Because i want to love you forever and a day
you asked me to just stay one night
but with you i`I'll stay the rest of my life
when it comes to loving you i`ll never have to think twice
because to lose you is like paying the ultimate price
one beautiful thing i never asked you for a thing
but you gave me the world
and you did all of this because i`m yo girl
i love you so much that my heart is in pain
baby just from the sound of you name
and when i say i love you that`s no game
because your in my heart`s hall of fame
ONE BEAUTIFUL THING

DAMN

DAMN
One day i was walking down the street and saw
a boy that made me say DAMN
i said DAMN this ain`t no boy this a man
from the way that he walks to the way he stands
from the way he holds my body and makes me melt in this hands
from the things that he`ll say `til the games he won`t play
from the way in the bed he won`t lay
but on sunday he in church yes girl he`ll pray
and thank GOD for everyday
i said DAMN to his size twelve shoe
i said DAMN they big like you..
i said DAMN this is not a boy this is a man
from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet
then i said DAMN this the kind of man that can marry me

I was in love with you

I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU
I was in love with you but you did me so wrong
i don`t know what made us stop singing the same song
and what made you leave me all alone
i gave you the world and everything in it
this was my game i played it to win it
i loved you from the beginning and still in the end
i loved you so much cuz you were my man
but our love was unique cuz you were also my friend
i think that`s what made it hurt so much in the end
i just wonder will i ever love again
will i make new friends
will i ever have to go through this again
i just really want it to be the end .........cuz
I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU

Times running out

Times running out for me and you
times running out for the things we use to do
times running out for the communication skills we use to use
times running out the clocks stop ticking you stop sticking and licking and start tricking
times running out the it`s almost gone
times running out your almost alone
times running out no more seconds left to our favorite song
times running out it`s going so fast it just shows this thing won`t last
times running out it`s going so fast that this poems
Times came and past

Unspoken truth

UNSPOKEN TRUTH
THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS THE PAIN MY HEART BEARS.
THE TEARS IN MY EYES WHEN THE WATER ISN'T THERE.

UNSPOKEN TRUTH
THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS I WANNA LEAVE AND DONT KNOW HOW AND THAT I HAVE A FACE THAT CANT HOLD A SMILE..EVEN WHEN I'M UP I FEEL LIKE I'M DOWN WORSE THEN A QUEEN THAT'S JUST LOST HERE CROWN.

UNSPOKEN TRUTH
THE UNSPOKEN  TRUTH  IS THAT I'M ALONE IN THIS WORLD.FOR LIFE MY HEARTS STILL A LITTLE GIRL.
 MY  UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS THAT I'M THE PAST NOT THE PRESENT.UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS I'M DEAD TO ME AND TO YOU.
UNSPOKEN TRUTH
THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH IS ALL THE SECRETS THATS MY HEART LOCKED AWAY ALL THE WORDS THAT MY MOUTH COULDNT SAY.
UNSPOKEN TRUTH THE WHIPERS IN THE WIND AND THE BLOOD I N MY HEART AND MY TRUTH THAT I CANT DARE TO TELL
MY UNSPOKEN TRUTH........

Real

Know your worth

The unwanted child

I'm the one no one sees and no one cares to hear I'm the one that they said they love but I look around and no one is there the black sheep of the family labeled an outcast left on my own because he wasn't my dad I'm not treated like the rest I'm not even welcome in your home I'm the only child the one they choose not to hear from I didn't choose this role it was chosen for me but to be left alone is forever my story all I wanted was my mother's love but she didn't have to offer people often forget about me that I'm even her daughter the unwanted child that was sent away and since I'm not love away I shall stay

Words to remember lost girls

Wake up your famous

You show your body you get comments you eat up the likes Wow wake up you famous .  I wonder is that how it played in your head. People love you on social sites but in reality you're nobody you're not kind you're not sweet you're not as smart as you think you are you wake up everyday wondering who's going to follow you on the sites today who's going to think you're pretty who's gonna love you because you edit your pictures to perfection but in reality we walk past you everyday and don't even look twice in your direction you have all the friends in the social world but in real life you cant complete a sentence without people walking away wake up you're famous .

people wonder all the time are you like your facade but no your not you're just another person who can't find anything better than going on social sites giving yourself a alter ego .Instagram Facebook Google Plus are all places where level of Education doesn't matter where your sexuality or the one you want people to think you have takes over everything and that's the way you like it because you feel important .

superior to those who may not look better than you but have more education more morals and more pride those people who have real lives And do real things .to them those likes don't mean anything so hey wake up you're famous and we like you on social sites but hate who you are in real life

fire

fire fire fire fire usually when people scream fire everyone runs and panic not me I'm one of those people who don't believe  red means hot  and fat means greasy I'm one of those people who like to run towards the flame instead of away and it's kind of crazy but I believe in living. on the edge why not run with scissors in your hand ?? why not play in traffic why is it the bad boys get to have all the fun??

      I thought I could handle the flames yet I got burned ...by family by friends by life.I can honestly say I still like the fire because it has become a great teacher.I've learned so much. Like to never trust people who know the most about you because you'll live to regret it the moment you get on there bad side. Never love a person more than you love yourself because once they decide the fire they once had for you is gone you'll be burned and in ICU. I can say I've been burned many times and I'm still here. The fire has shown me I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I've also learned as I grow so does the fire inside of me and that fire teaches me everyday how to become a better personso I light my fire grow until god puts it out at the end of my journey

wonder

do you ever wonder if there's someone in this world who can fully understand your pain who goes through some of the same things you do? this is a constant thought for me because I always wonder is there a girl that struggle with her weight struggling with bipolar disorder struggling with who she really wants to be is there girl who give it all up just for her mother's love is it another girl who is constantly misunderstood and harshly judge because of the damage from her past ?it's hard to think that there are many other girls out there like me and to know that there are does hurt... that girl who doesn't quite fit in who is not the prettiest and could never be the skinniest the girl was constantly overlook because people are willing to take the time the actually get to know her the girl who truly feel invisible I also wonder am I the only one are there others out